Most of my friends have never seen me cry or just can’t remember the last time they saw me cry. The last time I had a public emotional meltdown which lead to 2-3 hours straight crying, my friends were also crying. They had never seen me cry and hadn’t the slightest idea what to do with me or the situation in general.
See, I am always the tough one who has their shit together or generally behaves in a manner suggesting the same. I am always joking away my pain or anything I really don’t want to handle and it’s always worked. Well at least until it doesn’t. It took me 6 years to cry when my grandfather died. I had always told myself I was young when he died that’s why I didn’t care much that he had passed away. Then came grandma, five years later I am finally mourning.
Ever since the fall out with the friend I had mentioned earlier, I have been having a lot of dreams. Bad dreams and been crying myself to sleep for most nights. I miss my grandma in all this mess. Having her around would have made a whole lot of difference. Yes, she would scold when there was the need but she was also the epitome of love, care and wisdom. She had this thing with timing. It was also perfect.
The thing with being the person that I am is people always assume I am strong and I am always ok. Newsflash: No one is always ok. No one always has their shit together. Sometimes I get all covered up in so much shit and amidst all the chaos I will still manage a perfect smile and say… “I am ok. Nothing that wouldn’t pass. You know me, I always figure it out”. Well, sometimes I don’t get to figure it out. I just choose not to dwell on it, a habit that’s soon catching up with me.
Let me get to the point of all this. Make a point of checking up on your friends, relatives, colleagues. Be genuinely concerned about their well being and don’t just check up on them in passing, they’ll pick on this. As much as I love to be told that..” We najua utakua tu poa”… sometimes I need someone to help me get out of it…the occasional scolding, a shoulder to cry on and sometimes not do anything much but just cry. So reach out to that strong person in your life and be a friend.
It’s okay not to be okay. It also very okay to be vulnerable and be able to show and express that. That is so much beauty and admiration that comes with showing this kind of strength. It might not look like it then but go ahead and do it anyway. Cry it out. Cry it all out. Own your pain for you are only human. Afterward, wipe your tears, press on and soar!