Monday Blues

It’s 9:38 am. Just got out of bed. Actually dragged my fat ass out of bed. I am also taking a mental note on how frequent this has been happening lately. Anyways, I am sitting on the front porch, facing the bar and the pool which is finally clean!

The air is pure and refreshing. I like how the wind feels against my warm skin, the sensation brings my skin to life and for a while, I get lost on the moment. As if given a cue to heighten the moment, the chirruping of the birds and the sound of the leaves scratching and scraping one another are like a whispering audience.

I like having the first few minutes of the day just meditating reflecting and taking stock of my life. It gives me a sense of direction and psyke I need to get through the day. I like planning ahead and even when I might end up not doing most of what was planned. This gives me control, or a sense of it if you will. This brings me to my point. Control.

How do you view control? Is it in form of self-control or self will? Is it just power, and does wanting so much of it make me some sort of a narcissist? And if that’s the case, is there not strength in acknowledging when you have lost it and legitimately need help getting your footing? Honestly, I don’t know. As an adult, I just notice how much clarity comes with experience and also just how much ”grey areas” come with that too. I take it as a deeper understanding of the many factors and aspects that shaped me into the person I was, I am and trying to be. But that’s just me. I’d love to know your thoughts and feelings about it 🙂

I am struggling and learning on the job on how to grow with the changes that come with me and the people around me. In order for me to grow emotionally and be the person needed for myself and them, I need to relinquish some of this control. I want to but I do not know how to. I do not do vulnerability so well. I just shut down. Maybe I just need someone to tell me “It’s okay….you will not lose yourself in the process”. But then again so what if I do? There is a high chance I would totally love the person I’ll have become at the end of all this.

Who knows….like the wind, I can bring life to everyone around me. Give a sense of hope and inspiration to those who look upon to me. To be an emotional crutch for people who need me to. And like the water in the pool, I’ll be all cleaned up in the end and all under control but also feel free enough to be the adventures being that I am and have always been while applauding for the achievements and growth of other people around me just as these leaves.

It’s time I became the Wild Wolf I am. Life has so many possibilities. Love! Live! Soar!

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Linda says:

    Your sense of vulnerability is what is intriguing about your posts. Not many people can do that.

    Like

    1. nyarkulosi says:

      Hi Linda, thank you for seeing that.

      Like

  2. Elvy says:

    I would re-read all this articles . They come from a place of life truths and genuity. Keep it up

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nyar_kolusi says:

      Thank you so much. I am glad you enjoyed the read 🙂

      Like

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