My bottle is almost empty. I lost count after the third glass of wine. Best if I got ahead with this rant while I still can. Ever looked at a couple and wonder how on earth do they make it work? How easy they make relationships look. Well, I don’t either. I have always struggled with the concept of relationships. I struggle with being vulnerable. Explains the impeccable track record I have with my exes. It’s not that I have commitment issues or trust issues, no. In fact, I consider myself a very confident and understanding being. Often, too understanding and too confident. I am just really good at being alone or screwing things up. I am yet to decide which one it is.
When you’re pretty much sure that your dating life sucks, which is to say you suck; and that humanity generally sucks, the universe actually gets it and might reward you with a glimmer of hope or reminder, if you may, that maybe there are like a handful of non-sucky people. I’d honestly resigned myself and was comfortable with being single. I had actually gotten so good at this whole thing I had set pretty high standards for who ever’s coming next.
One day, at a friend’s party in walks this cocky human who is obviously oblivious to how much entrancing they are. And for a minute or so I felt insignificant in a totally cool way and I had to just stop and take in the moment. So, I am seated at the furthest couch from this human catching up with old friends, I see a wine glass directed towards me suggesting a refill. The first thing that instantly crosses my mind is who the hell does this person think they are? And then I spot the killer smile and everything that follows next catches us both by surprise. We talk about everything and nothing from our passions to our pasts. We clicked.
Timing. They say is everything. All Sr. wanted was a glass of wine, well maybe a bottle and a ‘wine’ nightstand. Or is it company on an exotic beach? I was only there for food and free booze. It’s 17 months and counting; or not. Still having wine, the company at the beach and a lot more neither of us bargained for. Fuck, ever had dreams so big they scare the shit out of you? So I am currently taking one day at a time and opening myself to all that life is going to offer.
Even the bottle won’t numb my pain. It just hurts. From inside. All over. It hurts everywhere. And I still wanna fight. Stupid, I know! I am scared though, is all this worth it. Especially in a society that everyone finds a way of photo-shopping, cropping, or ‘making up’ their pain. I don’t want to mask or hide my pain. I want to devour it. I want it to devour me. Every bit of me. I want to heal and experience this all over again; now more than ever.
The alternative is worse. I will just end up being another statistic in the society. We that have our shit together. Superwomen with amazing $baes.LOL! We are ‘perfect’. I don’t want perfection that’s wrapped up in so much pain that I lose myself in it. What’s worse? The facade or the picture perfection? I don’t know for I want none of it. Well, I don’t and currently, it feels like my world has been pulled from right under me.
I am acknowledging my pain because I refuse to be among the majority who’d rather jump over a bridge or get a couple of sleeping pills drowned with a glass if not a bottle of wine or some cheap cream liquor and slip quietly into oblivion. It is okay not to be okay. There is strength in letting go. There is strength in loving especially when hurting. Sad as it may sound it’s also okay to be there for those who hurt us, they may be hurting more and above love yourself so hard your love will triumph all that the world throws at you. You, my dear, are more than your failed relationships and your hidden pain. Rise above it, unabashed.
You may never have the courage to tell them this. Or your pride just wouldn’t allow it but you’ll always show up for them even when they don’t think they need you. That’s what friends are for. Thing is.. I am not even angry anymore, I am grateful our paths crossed and I pray you find what you need and what you are looking for because I have never known love like this. You gave me that chance and for that, I believe there isn’t a thing we couldn’t accomplish together or individually if we put our minds to it. I have never had that with anyone, not even the closest people in my life. You made me HOPE. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
May our new journeys help us both realize just how amazing each of us is as individuals and that I am feeling lucky again for the first time in a very long time. I could go on but I’d digress. Some people are single and actually having the time of their lives. They’re building careers. They’re accomplishing goals. They’re traveling the world. They’re discovering things about themselves that they love while shedding old layers of themselves they don’t need. They’re unlearning old, bad habits while practicing new and healthy ones. They’re embracing their alone time, and thriving in it. Contrary to the things that the masses like to spew, not all single people are lonely, bitter, miserable or damaged. Some are single, and more in love with their life than they ever have been before. I know I am.
Thanks for reading this. What life lessons have you learned from your past relationships both romantic and otherwise? Also, I am so inspired by this royal wedding. Life just holds so many surprises. I cannot even begin to imagine what it has in store for me and you. End of rant.
Be Bold, Live, Love and Soar!!!